Reasons Why
by Jo. R
Summary: A season eight clip-show episode. Mild SamJack.


Title: Reasons Why

Author/Email: Jo. R )

Rating: PG-13

Category: S/J UST, mention of Sam/Pete, mention of Jack/other, mild angst, flashback/clip-fic! Team'ship, Daniel/Sarah, Teal'c/Ishta. Clip pairings include: Teal'c/Drey'auc, Daniel/Sha're.

Warnings: None.

Spoilers: 'Threads' – see note below. Some spoilers for 'The Gamekeeper', 'Forever in a Day', 'Entity', 'In the Line of Duty', 'Tok'ra 12', 'Secrets', 'Family', 'Redemption 12', 'Meridian', 'Heroes 12', 'Desperate Measures', 'Divide and Conquer' – basically every episode where something big has happened to a member of the team. Too many to list!

Summary: A clip-show-episode-in-a-fic. Also known as 'how Jo would like a season eight clip show/flashback episode to play out.'

Archive: SJD, Random Ramblings, Heliopolis, Gateworld.

Disclaimer: SG-1 and everything connected to it belong to TPTB, who include Sci fi, MGM, Gekko Productions and various others. I am not a part of any of those organisations (though I may be a candidate for the NID if they're recruiting) so I don't have any rights but that's okay 'cause I'm not making any money. Sadly.

Author's Notes and babble: Sections after the / mean they're flashbacks – clips, if you will – of past episodes. I've listed all of the episodes I used scenes from up in the spoilers bit. Sections behind the are just normal, present-day (present-fic?) sections.

'Threads' spoilers disclaimer: It has slight spoilers/speculation for an episode that hasn't aired - 'Threads' - but I've been told if you don't know what it is, you won't pick up on it in the story. It's up to you if you want to take the risk or not but the warning is there

* * *

The three members of SG-1 sat in the briefing room waiting anxiously for the meeting to start. General Jack O'Neill, their former teammate and Base Commander of the SGC, had said only that they were all required to be there, that they'd probably be there for the better part of the day – and "Oh, yeah, the President said he'd stop by, too."

President Hayes wasn't a common visitor to the SGC, and he certainly didn't request to sit in on regular briefings. The team had discussed it in Sam's lab for hours, eventually coming up with a reason for the meeting than none of them liked: SG-1 was being split up, and because Jack couldn't or wouldn't do it, the President was coming to tell them personally.

It was a far-fetched theory but it was the only one they could think of. That was why they all jumped to their feet – Teal'c included – when General O'Neill walked into the room, leading the President, General Hammond and a few others SG-1 were surprised to see, Major Davis among them.

"At ease," President Hayes greeted them with a smile, arching an eyebrow at Generals O'Neill and Hammond when the tension in the room only doubled at his words. "Does at ease mean something else here?"

"No, Sir." Frowning a little at his former teammates, Jack motioned for them all to sit down, taking his old seat beside Colonel Carter so that the President could sit at the top of the table. "Maybe you should start by explaining why we're here, Sir."

"That's a good idea, General," President Hayes nodded at him and noticed that no one on SG-1 sat down until he himself did. "You must be wondering why I'm here." He addressed them all but looked at Sam, the current leader of SG-1. "I can assure you it will become clear over the course of this briefing."

"We think we know why you're here. Sir." Daniel Jackson added belatedly, lowering his gaze at the warning glance Sam shot in his direction. "And it's not going to happen."

"Not going to.." President Hayes appeared to be completely confused by the archaeologist's impassioned statement. General Hammond and Jack looked surprised and annoyed respectively.

Teal'c spoke up and answered the question on Jack's face before either General could voice it. "We believe that you are here to explain to us why you are separating our team.. Are you not here to reassign us to alternate positions?"

A stunned silence filled the room. Jack looked at each of his former teammates, his friends, in turn and realised with a pang of guilt that they'd truly thought they were being split up – and that he hadn't noticed. He'd been too caught up in commanding the base, distracted by thoughts on other matters.. So much so that he hadn't had time to be a friend to them as well as their leader.

The door opened before anyone could comment and a slender brunette walked in with an apologetic smile on her face. "Sorry I'm late. My plane was delayed."

"That's okay, Ms. Johnson." President Hayes gave her a small smile. "You're here just in time to clear up a minor misunderstanding before we get started."

Kerry tried to meet his gaze as she slid into the empty chair next to Daniel but Jack was too preoccupied with his thoughts to notice. They'd gone out once when she'd last been in town and Kerry had been hoping for a second date, maybe one a little more serious. Maybe one that wouldn't end with him being paged to the SGC and leaving her at her hotel with little more than a chaste kiss and a hurried 'I'll call you when I can'.

That call never came. She'd waited for it, hoped for it, but he hadn't picked up the phone and dialled her number.

She was hoping it meant he was just a little caught up in his work but from surveying him across the table, she realised that it was more likely that he was still distracted by whatever it was that was holding him back.

They'd had a good time – or at least she'd thought they had. Their date had gone well, he'd relaxed in her company and she'd genuinely enjoyed being around him.

And then his pager had gone off and he'd made the call.

He'd spoken to Colonel Carter and didn't like whatever she'd told him so he cut their evening short and left to join his former team at the SGC.

A former team that it seemed he wanted to be part of.

"You're not going to be separated." General Hammond's voice brought both Kerry and Jack out of their thoughts and it was with another pang that Jack realised the reassurances should have come from him. "SG-1 remains one of this facility's best assets and no one here wants that to change."

"However," President Hayes continued immediately. "This briefing is about SG-1's future, in a roundabout way. I've been reading through your files, through your reports, and I have a question for you all. Well, several questions but there's one that I'm curious about, on a personal level as well as a professional one."

Colonel Carter was the one to ask him. Jack turned slightly in his chair to look at her, saw the strain on her face and realised how worried she'd been. Realised how much he'd missed because he was no longer a part of their inner circle and couldn't help but wonder if there was anything else he should know. "Which question is that, Sir?"

President Hayes looked at her for several seconds, his expression giving nothing but his admiration away. He leaned forward slightly in his chair, his eagerness at her answer – at all of their answers – showing in his posture. "I want to know why, Colonel. Why do you do this? Why are you still here? After everything you've been through, after everything you've lost.. Why?"

Sam looked at the President and opened her mouth to answer. She closed it without answering. It wasn't a simple question – and the answer was certainly anything but simple. She glanced to her left and saw General O'Neill watching her, probably waiting for an answer, and moved her gaze to land on Teal'c and Daniel who looked just as taken aback at the question as she felt.

President Hayes took pity on them and turned slightly in his chair, facing Daniel and Teal'c, his keen gaze focusing on the Jaffa. "Teal'c, you gave up your position of First Prime to Apophis, you left your wife and son behind to fight for this cause. I understand that you didn't just do it to help the people of this world, that you did it to help your own people, but I have to admit I don't understand how you can stay with us, how you can keep fighting after everything that's happened to you because of that decision."

"Sacrifices must be made for the good of the cause," Teal'c answered swiftly though his friends noticed him sit a little straighter in his chair. "We cannot expect to win this battle if we do not make allowances for the losses we will endure along the way. I accepted a long time ago that, to free my people from slavery, I would have to be prepared to give the fight my all."

"That's a very noble sentiment, Teal'c, and I respect you for it a great deal more than you know." President Hayes smiled at him and inclined his head in recognition of the speech. "But what I want to know is why you stayed with us, why you stayed to fight from here instead of joining your wife and child." He opened the folder he'd carried into the room with him, flicking through the pages until he found what he was looking for and then slipped his glasses on, staring at the small print on the page. "In this mission report, it clearly states that you returned to your home world to find your wife had married another. Your son had been kidnapped by the Goa'uld Apophis. Surely if you'd been with them that wouldn't have happened? Your wife wouldn't have had to marry another man, a man who later betrayed you?"

Teal'c stared at the President though his mind drifted. He remembered that visit to Chulak, one of the last occasions he saw his wife, Drey'auc alive.

* * *

He sat outside of the house, the house his wife – former wife – now shared with his friend and son. Former friend. Former wife. Former son? 

He let his head hang low and clenched his jaw against the pain coursing through him. Being on the Tau'ri planet for so long, being around humans who, although they weren't entirely open with their feelings, still showed more emotion than the Jaffa company he was used to. Teal'c contemplated the possibility that perhaps he was getting too – what was the term O'Neill used – 'soft in his old age'.

It would have always hurt, would have always caused him pain to think of his wife with another, to think of his son looking to another as his father, another being the one who taught him how to fight and the value of pride but he was certain that, had he not spent over a year with the Tau'ri, he would have been able to maintain a solid grasp on his emotions.

He would have been in the house with the others discussing their best plan of action instead of sitting outside alone, dwelling on circumstances he hadn't chosen but those that he had unwittingly created.

The door opened beside him but he didn't look up. He didn't need to. They might not have seen each other in a year, might have grown apart emotionally as well as physically but she had been his wife.

In his heart she always would be.

She stood in front of him, her hands on her hips and her eyes blazing with fire. Teal'c thought that perhaps she'd never looked so beautiful. Her words, when she spoke, were said with a sharp edge, partly created by temper, party created by the concern they shared for their son. "How dare you judge me and dishonour Fro'tak in his own house after what you have done?"  
  
"Woman." He looked up at her and fixed a warning look on his face. "Be silent," he barked out the command, remembering at once that she wouldn't back down, even when he used his sternest tone of voice.

Drey'auc never had. It was one of the reasons he'd chosen her above the others.  
  
"That is not an answer, Teal'c." Were she a Tau'ri woman, Teal'c imagined she would have rolled her eyes. Instead she just glared at him, though he noticed with a great deal of curiosity that something akin to pain entered her eyes as her tone softened marginally. "You were the one who abandoned us."  
  
He felt his back stiffen and sat up straighter as tension caused his muscles to ache. "What I did was for the future of my people."  
  
"What I have done is for future of our son!" Drey'auc reversed his words and shot the well-aimed verbal bullet right back at him.

Teal'c felt the urge to let his shoulders slump in defeat but couldn't. Wouldn't let them. He was stronger than that. He had to be. For the sake of his wife, for the sake of their son. For the sake of the people he was fighting to save. His "Perhaps" was uttered grudgingly and he let his eyes rise to hers. "But why Fro'tak?"  
  
'Why betray me with my best friend?'

Drey'auc saw the pain in his eyes – he knew she must've done, because he made no effort to hide it from her. And her answer was simple, honest, but it still didn't satisfy his need to know. "Because he was the only one who asked."  
  
"Do you have love for him?" Teal'c found himself asking it even as he dreaded the answer. He stared at her when she didn't answer, feeling pain and jealousy rise inside him and doing his best to turn it into anger. Anger he could work with. Anger he was used to. Grief and heartache he could not. "Do you have love for him?"  
  
When she did eventually answer, it sent dizzying waves of relief crashing over him. "No, Teal'c." His relief was cut short as she continued, replaced by a heavy sense of guilt that sickened him to the core. "But Rya'c, our son, deserves a better life than the camps." She looked at him as she spoke, her expression showing nothing but her absolute faith that what she'd done was right. "And Fro'tak has offered it to him."

She left him then and Teal'c continued to sit outside, alone, wondering if it would someday be worth it.

Hoping that one day the fight would be over, that the battle would be won.

That the pain he'd caused his family would be justified.

* * *

"Why didn't you leave then?" President Hayes pressed having seen the emotionless expression on Teal'c's face waver. "Surely you were tempted to return to your wife and son after the man, Fro'tak was exposed as a traitor? After they relocated to the other planet, the – ah – Land of Light?"

"It was tempting," Teal'c admitted. He almost shifted uncomfortably in his chair – almost – when he felt the curious gazes of his teammates and friends bore into him. It wasn't something they'd discussed – not for lack of trying on their part but because it had always felt so raw to him. Because, until recently, it had still stung to think of those times, to think of his late wife. "I had considered it but my wife and I both realised that my place was no longer at her side. My place is here with the Tau'ri, fighting to free our people. Fighting to create a better future for our son."

President Hayes nodded thoughtfully and leaned back in his chair, gazing unflinchingly at him. "I know that your wife passed away, Teal'c. I'm sorry for your loss." He stared at the Jaffa for a few moments in silence, until he sensed that the other man was beginning to feel uncomfortable and then returned his attention to the dossier in front of him. "Your wife isn't the only person you've lost. I'm sorry if this is painful, Teal'c, if you want to stop please feel free to say at any time."

"You have questions," Teal'c responded calmly. "I will endeavour to answer them so that you may understand why I value my position here among the Tau'ri."

"Thank you, Teal'c, I appreciate that." President Hayes glanced up briefly from the document but his eyes were drawn to it again after a few seconds. "Your son has become quite the warrior, you must be very proud of him."

"Indeed I am," Teal'c answered with an air of pride any father – any parent – could understand.

"It must be hard for you to be away from him so much," President Hayes continued. "And it mustn't make for an easy relationship, either. I have a son, too, Teal'c, and I know being a father isn't easy at the best of times. I also know my son often complained when he was younger that he didn't get to see me. That he thought I put my career before our relationship. Doesn't your son feel that way? Doesn't that make you want to leave us and fight with him at your side?"

Neither Teal'c nor the President noticed the slight movement at the other side of the table, too engrossed in their conversation.

Daniel did, as did the woman who'd taken the empty seat beside him.

Soft fingers deliberately brushed against a hand in a conscious gesture of support, of sympathy, and that hand in turn twitched slightly, turning to catch those fingers for a split second. Squeezing them. Thanking her.

"It is not always easy," Teal'c answered eventually. "There have been times when my son has resented my involvement with the Tau'ri, times when he has resented me. For a short time he blamed me for the death of his mother but he understands now how important it is that we continue to fight for our people, that I remain here so that together we may defeat our enemy."

* * *

The accusation on his son's face cut through him. The devastation, the pain.

The loss.

"She believed in you." Rya'c spoke before Teal'c could find the right words to say. "In the fight you have chosen."

Teal'c stared gravely at his son where he sat, looking so alone that it broke his heart. His son wasn't alone; he was still alive. But that didn't matter now. Right now Rya'c's world was falling apart around him. His mother was dead. She wouldn't be coming back. Still he managed to push the words passed the lump that rose in his throat. "As you once did."

"How long were we to live like this?" Rya'c demanded bitterly, anger asserting itself over his grief for a short time. Teal'c knew it wasn't going to last. "Are we all to die like she did?"

Teal'c kept his head held high, determined to make his son understand as he once had that the fight was worth it. The only problem was he was starting to have doubts himself. Wondering whether the price they had to pay was too high. "Nothing has changed. The Goa'uld can be defeated."

"As long as we must carry symbiotes, we will depend on the Goa'uld for our lives." The reminder was one he didn't need but one Rya'c threw at him anyway.

Probably to hurt him deliberately.

Probably to make him question his own motives, to triple the guilt that was already consuming him.

Still he remained confident that there was a chance for them – outwardly, at least, even if he couldn't feel quite so sure on the inside. "We will find a way to be free."

Rya'c got to his feet, the heat in his eyes growing as his anger continued to take a greater hold of him. Part of Teal'c was pleased to see such fire in his son, fire inherited from both himself and Drey'auc but the bigger part feared his son would never let go of it. That Rya'c would never be able to forgive him for the death of his mother.

"My mother will never know this freedom you speak of," he spat viciously at his father. "She had no choice. You brought this upon her. You chose for the both of us!" As Teal'c watched, Rya'c bent down and picked up the staff weapon that had been lying at their feet. Teal'c stood, motionless, as his own son pointed the weapon at his chest. "Now, as any warrior would, I choose to avenge her death."

The staff weapon charged even as Teal'c stood his ground and opened his mouth to speak. His words were honest, the sentiment genuine. "Everything I have done, I have done for you."

"Then I am ashamed," Rya'c returned instantly. "For you have done nothing but bring pain and misery and above all, false hope, to countless Jaffa."

Teal'c still stood before him, holding his gaze, accepting his anger, his hatred. Accepting whatever fate his son chose to bestow upon him. "Then fire your weapon."

But Rya'c couldn't find it in him to fire the weapon, just as Teal'c had hoped. Instead he swung it around in his hands and hit his father in the face. Once, twice, thee times. When that had no effect, when Teal'c continued to stand there and take it, Rya'c changed his tactics and directed the assault at his father's stomach, forcing Teal'c to double over and gasp in pain.

But Teal'c didn't strike back. Didn't move to defend himself.

He simply let his son beat him repeatedly, knowing that it was the only way Rya'c was able to share his grief and his anger. Knowing that there was little else he could do but wait it out and hope his son could learn to forgive him.

* * *

"It must have been a hard time for you both," President Hayes sympathised. "For you to lose your wife and have your son deem you responsible. And for Rya'c, it must have been difficult for him to lose his mother when he had, in effect, lost his father also to this fight. I'm curious, Teal'c, how did you manage to convince him it was necessary for you to return to Earth?"

"I did not need to convince him it was necessary, he understood that it was." Teal'c met the President's gaze and allowed himself a small, proud smile. "Rya'c has matured into a great warrior and a wise young man. He understood that I would return to Earth and he is aware that it is necessary for me to stand alongside these people in the fight against the Goa'uld."

President Hayes nodded but his brow furrowed in confusion. "But surely he must think you have it easy here? I mean this with no disrespect, Teal'c, but Rya'c and the others – Master Bra'tac – they're living in less than comfortable conditions and they're still fighting for their freedom. Isn't it hard for you to know that, and for Rya'c to understand what you've been through here?"

"I do not believe they think I suffer any less than they," Teal'c replied quietly. "My son is aware of all that I have been through. I do not keep secrets from him nor from Bra'tac. It helps them understand why I choose to stay here. Why I will continue to stay here until a time when I can return to them free."

The fire continued to blaze; burning the empty vessel of the woman he had once loved. The woman he still loved. His eyes roamed the crowd of Jaffa who had gathered to pay their respects to her departed soul and latched onto those of his son.

He watched as Rya'c turned to leave and made a move as if to follow but Master Bra'tac stopped him, his own eyes fixed on the back of the departing child. "Let him mourn."

Teal'c remained standing where he was but his hands clenched into fists at his sides, mimicking the pain that clenched around his heart. "He has grown to hate me."

"He does not," Bra'tac dismissed the thought instantly. "Nor does he truly believe our cause is futile. Drey'auc would not allow it," he added, glancing at his old friend as he did so.

Teal'c wanted to believe him but found it hard to do. Impossible even. He'd seen the hatred in his son's eyes, known it was directed at him. How could it possibly be anything other than completely genuine? "Then why does he speak as he does?"

"Self-doubt." Bra'tac answered fluidly, never once hesitating. He waited until he had Teal'c's full attention before continuing in his explanation. It pained him to see his old friend hurting so deeply, and it pained him to know the distance between father and son was partly his doing as he had been the one to encourage Teal'c's passion for freedom. "Since the day Apophis brainwashed him, he has believed his own mind is weak."

"It is not true." Teal'c stared at him in disbelief, finding it difficult to comprehend that the cause of his son's grief could be something that had occurred so long ago. Something he had thought to be long buried in the past.

"You were no different at his age," Bra'tac reminded him wisely. "After the death of your father at the hands of Cronus, fear almost consumed you. Like Rya'c, it was desire for vengeance that gave you strength."

Teal'c tightened his fists, his nails digging into the soft flesh of his palms. "Rya'c misplaces his blame."

"He directs his malice toward you because you doubt him as much as he doubts himself." Bra'tac said it as though it were a theory, though the certainty in his voice led Teal'c to believe it was the truth.

Confused at how his son could have formed such an idea, Teal'c turned to his mentor, seeking answers to questions he hadn't realised existed. "Why would he believe such a thing?"

"Because you are his father," Bra'tac answered quietly. "And you have not told him otherwise."

Teal'c took a deep breath and stared back at the fire, as if hypnotised by the flames. He wasn't aware of Bra'tac leaving him, just as he wasn't aware of slowly making his way away from the burning pyre as he sought out his son.

Rya'c was sitting on the steps leading up to the Stargate when he found him and it was with more than a little apprehension that Teal'c joined him, sitting beside him, close enough so that he could speak without raising his voice but giving his son the space he so obviously desired.

"Not so long ago, I was captured in battle and Apophis took control of my mind," he started softly, his voice grave. "He made be believe that I was once again his loyal first prime. And I turned on my friends who trusted me. Were it not for Bra'tac and the rite of MalSharran, I would have died believing that Apophis was my god." He paused, his voice catching. "Whether you believe in me or what I have chosen to do does not change the fact that I have never doubted your heart, Rya'c. You need never win back my trust, my son, for you have never lost it."

Rya'c looked at him, his eyes shining. And then he moved into his father's embrace, into the open arms that awaited him.

Teal'c held his son and got his answers. He knew peace for the first time in a long time, and he knew that the fight was worthwhile.

That the sacrifices they made would be outweighed by the benefits.

By the ability to live free of oppression from the Goa'uld.

* * *

"I believe I have answered your question," Teal'c addressed President Hayes with a slight inclination of his head. "You asked me why I continue to stay here and fight. I fight with these people because they are my friends, my family. Because they understand that personal sacrifices must be made for the good of many. If they did not understand, if they themselves had not made sacrifices for the benefit of this fight, I would have returned to my people a long time ago. I fight for freedom, for my people and for my son. I fight to give him a future that I believe the children of this world also deserve. A future without fear, without repression. A future where our children can chose the lives they want to live without risking the wrath of a false God."

President Hayes smiled and took his glasses from his face, setting them down on the briefing room table beside the file on his desk. "Thank you, Teal'c." His smile was warm, his eyes full of respect. "May I take this opportunity to thank you for your dedication, for your sacrifices. And for choosing to align yourself with Earth. We owe you a great deal and I hope that when all is said and done we get the future you desire."

The President leaned back in his chair and let his gaze shift to the person sitting beside Teal'c at the table. He smiled again at the way the archaeologist seemed to shrink back at the thought of being the focus of the conversation. "Now, Doctor Jackson, how about you? Why are you still here? What keeps you with the SGC after everything you've been through and everything you've seen?"

Daniel blinked once, meeting the President's gaze as calmly as he could. "Can't I just say what Teal'c said?"

"I'm afraid not, Doctor Jackson." President Hayes smirked at him, appreciating the sentiment behind the awkward request. "You're the one who got the Stargate working in the first place so I understand if that's a motivation in staying around but you've been through just as much if not more than Teal'c. Surely there must have been a time when you thought about leaving? Through traditional methods, I mean," the President added with an arched eyebrow. "Though I would like to touch on the 'ascending to a higher plane of existence' issue eventually."

"First I would like to talk about Sha're, if it's not too painful for you, Doctor Jackson." President Hayes stared at the younger man with pity – sympathy – in his eyes. "I lost my wife several years ago and I know it's still something I don't like to talk about."

Daniel sat up straighter in his chair. "But it's necessary. You want to know why I'm still here after losing her because of the Stargate." Daniel shrugged and lowered his gaze to the table. "If it wasn't for the Stargate I'd never have met her in the first place."

"It's my understanding your search for Sha're was the only reason you stayed with the SGC after first being brought back here from Abydos. I'm curious to know why you didn't leave after she died. Why you didn't go back to Abydos or go on a dig somewhere." President Hayes sat forward and let his hands rest on the folder on the table. "It must have been hard to lose your wife to the enemy, then find her again only to watch her die."

"That wasn't the first time we found her again," Daniel corrected him quietly. "We found her again on Abydos, a year after she'd been taken. That was the last time I saw my wife alive without the Goa'uld inside her controlling her."

* * *

Teal'c stood with his staff weapon aimed at Sha're and Kasuf, her father, moved to stand in front of her, failing to understand the expression of horror on Daniel's face. "No," he pleaded, glancing at his daughter's husband in confusion. He couldn't understand why Daniel was just standing there. Why he didn't do something. "Take my life in exchange."Seeing her was hard. Knowing that her father had no idea what evil lurked beneath his daughter's anxious beauty was even harder. "Nobody's killing anybody," Daniel announced warily, motioning to Teal'c to lower his weapon. 

It was with a great deal of reluctance that Teal'c did so but he, too, understood that they couldn't just kill her. Not without asking some questions. Not without trying to save her first. "Sha're is no longer your daughter."

"Kasuf, we're in danger." Daniel licked his lips and tried to drag his eyes away from the woman standing behind her father, looking at him with fear in her eyes. God, she was beautiful. He missed her more in those moments than he had done in the year he'd been searching for her. "How long has she been here?"

Kasuf was obviously confused at the question and glanced quizzically at his daughter. "More than a season." "What?" More than a season and yet the people of Abydos were alive and well? That wasn't right. 

Something wasn't right.

"Why are we in danger?" Kasuf wanted to know, looking between his daughter and her husband, wanting answers but at the same time not sure if he was ready to hear them. Sha're took a step forward, her gaze pleading. "Husband!" "I am Sha're's husband." The pain that flashed on her face almost undid him. It almost made him want to open his arms to her, hold her, let the Goa'uld inside her kill him if that was what it wanted. Anything just to hold his wife again. "Who are you?" 

"My Daniel, please!" Sha're took another step forward, stopping abruptly when Teal'c moved to stand in the way, lifting his staff weapon once again.

"Come no further," he warned, his eyes fixed on the woman he'd once chosen to be queen to Apophis.

"Son, do your eyes not see?" Kasuf implored with the man he had grown to love as a son, staring at him with desperation written all over his face.

"Sha're has been taken by a Goa'uld," Daniel explained, his heart breaking even as he said the words. He watched his wife as he spoke, curiously awaiting her expression. "A demon now lives within her. One of great power and evil." 

Sha're hung her head in shame, glancing at her father out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't the reaction he'd expected to see from the Goa'uld holding his wife captive – but it was one he could easily believe was his wife. But that wasn't possible. Sha're was gone. "He speaks the truth, father."

Kasuf turned to look at her with pain in his eyes. "But you said you returned to me."

"And I have.." Sha're started to explain, her voice wavering.

Daniel heard the crack in her voice and felt a glimmer of anger flare up inside him. He latched onto it with both hands and glared at her. "Stop it! Okay, just stop it!" His voice rose in volume and he stared at her in disgust. "You can't fool me. I know what you are. I've seen what you are."

Sha're took another step forward, her eyes frantic. "Please believe me!" "No." Daniel shook his head vehemently, shaking away the hope that threatened to rise up inside him. She wasn't his wife; she was a Goa'uld. And the Goa'uld were capable of lying and deceiving and manipulating.. 

"The demon sleeps because I am with child," Sha're declared. "Hear me, husband. The Goa'uld that has stolen my soul is called Amonet. She sleeps for the sake of the child."

"Why?" Daniel stared at her suspiciously. He wanted to believe her, wanted to believe her so much it hurt but he couldn't. They'd been fooled by a Goa'uld before, a long time ago, and although it was that instance that gave him hope that some part of his wife must still be alive, it was the memories of how they'd been fooled by that Goa'uld that kept him from believing Sha're was really who she said she was.

"If she awakens, the child will come forth stillborn," Sha're explained softly.

Teal'c stared at her suspiciously, his grip on his weapon never once diminishing. "I have never known a Goa'uld to father a human child."

Daniel glanced at his friend, and then at his wife, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. "Apophis is the father?"

Sha're broke down, tear after tear streaming down her cheeks from her eyes. "Yes."

Teal'c tightened his grip on his weapon, his shoulders tensing. "Then Apophis is here also."

"No, he has hidden me away," Sha're said between sobs, shaking her head and clutching the arm her father offered her. "He does not want to reveal the true purpose of this child to his enemies."

Daniel took a half step closer, wanting to believe she was who she appeared to be. Wanting to believe she was telling him the truth. "What true purpose? Sha're, what does Apophis want with a human child?" Sha're lowered her gaze, not wanting to see the look on his face as she answered him. "He wishes the child to one day become his new host." He stared at her for what felt like minutes when in actual fact was no more than a few seconds. The thoughts crashed through his head, the feelings threatened to overwhelm him. The woman standing in front of him was his wife, and she was carrying the child of another man. Of a Goa'uld. A child that would someday help their enemy be a bigger threat than what he was already. "Is that true?" 

Sha're continued to sob, her hand moving to rest protectively over the child she carried. "Yes."

Daniel stared at her for another long moment and turned sharply on his heel, leaving the tent in favour of the air outside, unable to stand and look at her any longer.

"Your wife had another man's child," President Hayes mused. "It must have taken a lot for you to forgive her."

Daniel shook his head, feeling the eyes of his teammates resting on him and taking comfort from their presence. "I didn't have anything to forgive her for. She didn't do anything wrong. She was the victim and I loved her. I still love her."

"You hate me." The despair, the sorrow in her voice was hard for him to hear.

Daniel shook his head, swallowing the lump in her throat and resisting the urge to close his eyes against the sting of tears. "No. No, I love you."

Sha're's expression was incredulous, her eyes full of hope. "You forgive me?" 

He turned to her then, his arms going around her, drawing her close. Their bodies fit perfectly, just like he remembered from so long ago. "There's nothing to forgive."

She buried her head against him, closing her eyes and leaning into him. "I'm so ashamed."

"I hate what's been done to you," he muttered passionately, his heart aching in his chest even as it beat slowly in time with hers. "I hate Apophis for the child that's been growing inside of you. Look at me." He moved away, tilting her head so he could look her in the eye. "I love you." 

Sha're smiled at him, a watery smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She was still afraid, still scared he was going to leave her. "Will you stay?"

"I can't." He saw the flicker of pain on her face and tightened his hold on her, making a vow to them both, a vow he would inevitably break. "Because I want you to come home with me."

* * *

Daniel shrugged at the expression on the President's face. "I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you it wasn't hard to let her go again. But I wasn't alone, I had these guys with me. And I knew that they would help me find her again. At the time I was certain that one day I would find my wife, that we'd free her from the Goa'uld and that she'd come back to Earth and live with me here."

"But that wasn't meant to be," President Hayes commented softly. He flicked through two pages in his file and sighed softly. "The next time you saw your wife she died. At the hand of your friend, Teal'c. Surely you must have been tempted to leave then. Why did you stay with the SGC after that, Doctor Jackson? Why keep putting yourself through the heartache and pain of losing the people you love most?"

"I was tempted to leave," Daniel admitted with a shrug. "In the moments before Sha're died, I imagined that I did leave. I imagined a lot of different endings, some where she died and some where she didn't. I know now that she'd been trying to send me a message through the hand device but at the time.. It was those hallucinations if you will that made me realise I couldn't leave SG-1, that I still had a job to do. And it was my friends that got me through the days and the weeks and the months that followed."

Teal'c sat up straighter in his chair, pride evident in his posture. Sam and Jack exchanged a look, the first non-awkward smile they'd shared in a long time.

The days after Sha're's death had been hard on them all. Teal'c had felt so guilty, he'd blamed himself, wanted to leave.. Daniel just walked around in a daze, numb now that his personal quest seemed to be over. Sam and Jack had taken it in turns to talk to their friends and the four had eventually found their way back to one another, realising that the war still needed to be won.

"I have no doubt that the friendships you have formed play an important, instrumental part in keeping you with the SGC and that's something I'm very grateful for." President Hayes looked at them all in turn, his gaze eventually landing on General Hammond who sat at the other end of the table. "You were right in choosing these four individuals to form SG-1, General. And you were also right in recommending General O'Neill for your replacement."

His expression changed and he motioned to the sheets of paper in front of him again. "However, Doctor Jackson, there are a few other instances I'd like to talk to you about. One being when SG-1 travelled to the planet designated P7J-989. Yourself and General O'Neill were forced to recall memories from your past for the enjoyment of an individual who referred to himself as 'the Gamekeeper'. I see from your report that you were forced to endure the deaths of your parents occurring in front of you repeatedly. How did you manage to endure that? Why didn't that convince you that your time could be better served from the SGC instead of travelling between words? Surely you could have continued the search for Sha're from here?"

Daniel's gaze shifted, landing on Sam who sat opposite him across the table. He looked at her, knowing she was remembering the same things he was and saw the small reassuring smile on her lips.

It wasn't real.

It hadn't been real.

There was nothing they could have done to change it.

* * *

Daniel turned away as his parents were once again trapped under the rubble of the fallen display. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, sensing more than seeing Sam walk to stand at his side.

"Daniel," she started softly, reaching out to touch his arm as her eyes remained locked on their companions. People dressed all in black, staring at them, watching them. "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'll bet when this really happened, you didn't have this audience. I think that we must be in some sort of really advanced simulation, like a virtual reality. It's the only thing I can think of that could explain all this."  
  
He looked up the, staring at them with a grimace. "Oh super. So it takes one of the most tragic moments in my life and plays it over and over again."  
  
Sam gave him a sympathetic look but managed to keep her eyes fixed on the newcomers, wishing not for the first time that she still had her gun. "Well, maybe that's your strongest memory."  
  
"He called me Danny like I'm.. like I'm still a little kid," he murmured softly, temporarily forgetting that they had company.  
  
"That's probably because that's how old you were when this happened," Sam answered softly, trying to figure out what the device they were trapped in was doing at the same time as keep her eye on the crowd that seemed to be growing bigger. "You have taken on the role of Daniel Jackson as a child in this simulation.  
  
"You know, I used to replay this over and over in my mind," Daniel spoke in a low, gruff voice. "Trying to think if there's anything I could've done to make a difference."  
  
"Okay." Sam stifled a sigh, her heart aching for her friend. "Okay, so maybe that's their point; here's your chance."  
  
"Is it not wonderful?" The museum worker who had been standing beside them during the whole exchange changed into a bald-headed man in a long black cloak. ""Now you get the chance.  
  
Daniel stared at him in shocked surprise. "I beg.. I beg your pardon?"  
  
Sam narrowed her eyes at the newcomer, suspicion rife in her expression. "The chance?"  
  
"The chance to relive your momentous event, to try the plethora of variations that have been weighing on your mind, to finally see if you can make a difference." The man explained it as though it were the simplest thing in the world, as though it were something he should be happy about.

Something he should be grateful for.  
  
"Who are you?" Daniel demanded, his temper rising.  
  
The man beamed. "Why, I am the Keeper, of course," he introduced himself with a flourish.  
  
Daniel stared at him, failing to see the reason for the other man's excitement. "The keeper of.."  
  
"The Keeper of all that is, was and will be in this place," the Keeper expanded with another smile.  
  
Stepping slightly in front of her friend, Sam unconsciously acted as a barrier between Daniel and the man who was causing the pain and the sorrow she could see in his eyes. "Yeah, where are we exactly?"  
  
The Keeper looked at her as though she should know the answer and he was disappointed that she didn't. "I believe you call this place the New York Museum of Art."  
  
"No." Sam shook her head and fought the urge to roll her eyes. "No, where are we in reality?"  
  
"Reality is in the eye of the beholder, is it not?" The Keeper answered smoothly, tiring of her questions and turning to Daniel, the excited gleam returning to his eyes. "You have always wished to go back and do things differently; I have given you that opportunity. Now go, make things right in this place!"  
  
Daniel glanced behind him at the wreckage that once was his parent's display. "And how do I.. How do I do that?"  
  
The Keeper beamed. "Well if I told you that it wouldn't be any fun, would it?" He said with a laugh that flamed the anger rising in the pit of Daniel's stomach.  
  
"Fun?" Daniel glared at him. "That's what you think this is for me? Fun? Watching this happen again and again?"

The Keeper gave him a solemn nod. "There would be no pleasure from the gain if there were no risk from the journey."

And it began again. His parents were standing in the middle of the exhibit, discussing how it should look, how it should be. Daniel found himself watching it again, his eyes riveted. He felt Sam approach him, knew she would try to make him look away.

Knew that he should.

But he couldn't.

They were his parents and this was the last time he saw them alive.

* * *

"What we saw wasn't real," Daniel answered eventually, shaking himself mentally to rid those images of the past from his mind. "Sam kept telling me that it wasn't real, that there was nothing we could do to change it. And as you know if you've read the reports, Jack and Teal'c showed up a while later and we got out of there. Or we thought we got out of there. It was all an illusion, a virtual reality of sorts."

"But still it was one you wouldn't have been put through if you weren't on SG-1," President Hayes reminded him.

"If I wasn't on SG-1, I wouldn't have found my wife or her son. If I wasn't on SG-1, I'd have left the SGC out of pure boredom by now," Daniel shrugged. "Being on the team isn't just about personal quests or fighting the Goa'uld, it's about exploration and discovery and travelling to new worlds and learning about new cultures. I'm an archaeologist, this job is a dream job for me."

President Hayes nodded in understanding. "But the disadvantages of the job surely must outweigh the advantages. You died, Doctor Jackson. You ascended to a higher plane of existence by all accounts, then returned to Earth with little to no memory of it."

Daniel shrugged again. "I remember everything now," he replied quietly. "And I'm not the only member of SG-1 who's died once or twice. It's a risk you accept being part of any of the SG-units. I think Sam's slightly ahead of me in that respect, anyway. I don't exactly keep track but I'm pretty sure she's ahead of us on that count.."

"And I intend to speak to her about it, don't worry, Doctor Jackson." President Hayes's gaze flickered to the Colonel in question. "Though Colonel Carter has contemplated resigning on four separate occasions so I know that she has considered leaving the SGC."

His words made her teammates – and former teammate – stare at her in shock and Sam did her best to sink down in her chair without appearing to do so.

The President gave her a quick apologetic look and caught the glance thrown at him by General Hammond. "But that conversation can wait. Doctor Jackson, thank you for your honesty. General O'Neill, perhaps we should break for lunch? Then Colonel Carter can say her piece and we can call it a day."

"That sounds like a good idea, Sir." Jack nodded in agreement but threw the woman at his side a look as the military half of the room stood in unison with the President. "Carter, can I talk with you a minute? In my office?"

Sam did her best not to let her shoulders slump and gave him a sharp nod in return. "Yes, Sir."

General Hammond led President Hayes out of the briefing room, with Major Davis and the others he'd entered the room with following. Kerry Johnson lingered behind, casting a glance at the tense figure of General O'Neill but when he didn't so much as look in her direction she started out after the others.

"We'll wait for you here," Daniel said to Sam, giving her a reassuring look that reminded Jack he was no longer part of the team.

"You don't have to, it won't take long." Sam managed to give them a small smile but Teal'c and Daniel just stared at her with questions in their eyes.

"We will wait for you here," Teal'c repeated, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Sam sighed and followed Jack through to his office, wincing when the General shut the door behind them.

Hard.

* * *

She stayed standing as he took his seat behind the desk. Even when he motioned her into the other chair, Sam stood at attention, waiting for him to speak.

"You tried to resign?" Jack got straight to the point, staring at her throw accusing eyes. "Not once but four times?"

"Yes, Sir." Sam gazed at him evenly. "I'm sure you'd find it all in my record. Sir. General Hammond did say they would go on file."

"Cut the crap, Carter." His eyes narrowed and he leaned across the desk. "Sit down and tell me when and why."

"It's irrelevant, Sir." She stubbornly refused to sit, her shoulders tense, her head held high. "General Hammond gave me time to rethink my decision and every time I reconsidered. That's all you need to know."

Jack slammed his hands on the desk, making her jump as he stood up. Sam glanced through the star chart that acted as a window and saw both Daniel and Teal'c move closer to the office door. "Answer me, Carter. When and why?"

"Okay, if you really want to know." She stood with her back painfully straight. "The first time was when we found Cassandra. I wanted to adopt her but they wouldn't let me because of my position on SG-1. General Hammond gave me a few days and I spent that time talking to Janet about it. She told me she'd be willing to adopt Cassandra, that it would mean I could see her whenever I wanted. The second time was shortly after Jolinar.. After I became her host. I didn't think I could deal with being different and I didn't want to stick around and wait for something else to happen. Again, Cassie and Janet convinced me to stay. Janet said she'd always be here to help me though whatever I went through because of the blending."

She paused to take a deep breath and sat down in the seat opposite him. "The third time was after the zatarc incident," she continued in a softer voice. "And the fourth time was after Orlin left. You guys didn't believe me. I thought the team wouldn't be able to stay together if we couldn't trust each other. General Hammond made me take a few days and you know what happened then. You guys came to see me and helped tidy my house. If you hadn't, I probably would've left then."

"The zatarc incident?" His voice also growing softer, Jack leaned against the desk, staring at her intently. "Why? Why then?"

Sam shrugged, her gaze wandering over the office. "You don't have any pictures of SG-1," she commented quietly.

"I don't have any pictures..?" Jack followed her eyesight and glanced in turn at each of the pictures decorating his office. And realised she was right. "That's important to this conversation?"

"No, not really." Sam shrugged and looked away. "It's just strange. SG-1 is the reason we're all still here. The friendships we have got us through some of the missions President Hayes wanted to talk about, but you don't have a single picture of us in your office." She brought her gaze back to his face, looking at him curiously. "Don't you miss us at all?"

Jack shifted uncomfortably in his seat, her question hitting too close to home, being too close to the subject he'd been dwelling on himself all morning. "Don't try to change the subject, Carter. I want to know why you almost resigned then. Was it because of Martouf? I know you were close but I never thought it was enough to make you want to leave.."

"It had very little to do with Martouf." She forced herself to hold his gaze. "I tried to resign because of you. Because I didn't want you dying for me. Because of me. The SGC, SG-1, needed you then and it needs you now. I'm not worth it, Sir." Sam stood up then, eyeing the door anxiously. "With your permission, General, can I be excused?"

She left before he had regained the use of his tongue. He stared at the spot where she'd been standing and leaned back in his chair. "That depends on your point of view, Carter," he responded to the space where she'd once stood.

And then he got up and walked around his office, looking more closely at the photos decorating the wall and propped up on his shelves.

* * *

Sam was flanked by both Teal'c and Daniel when they entered the mess hall. Neither had asked her how her conversation with Jack had gone, neither had pressed her for more information on when she'd attempted to resign.

It wasn't until they were sitting down at a small table across the room from the President and his entourage that the silence got too much for her.

"Okay, I'll make this brief. The first time I tried to resign was after we found Cassandra, the second time was after the Jolinar thing, the third was after the zartarc incident and the fourth time was after Orlin left." She put down her fork and stared between the two of them. "Anyone have any questions or can we move on?"

Teal'c and Daniel exchanged a look. "We can move on," Daniel replied slowly. His attention was distracted by the mess hall door opening and he watched as Jack entered the room. "Do you think he'll sit with them or with us?"

"Probably with them," Sam commented without looking up from her meal of macaroni and cheese. "He's the commander of the base, they're his guests. He'll be expected to join them so he probably will."

"I do not believe so, Colonel Carter." There was a certain degree of satisfaction in Teal'c's tone. "O'Neill appears to be heading this way."

Sam looked up in surprise, just as the man in question cast a shadow over their table. He looked at Daniel and Teal'c, avoiding her gaze, and stood awkwardly in front of them. "Is this seat taken?"

"It will be if you sit in it," Daniel spoke up when no one else did. He watched as Jack sat down, shifting his own chair to make room. "Not that we don't want you to join us, Jack, but shouldn't you be sitting with the President? He is here as your guest, after all, and if I'm not mistaken Ms. Johnson's been trying to get your attention all morning.."

"Who? Oh, Kerry." Jack shrugged and dug into his red jello with a fork. "It's not important. I figured I owe you guys an explanation." He put his fork down and looked at them in turn – his gaze lingering slightly on Sam's surprised expression. "I know I haven't been around much recently and I know I should've told you about the briefing with the President but I didn't realise you thought SG-1 was being split up. You should know I wouldn't let that happen."

"It's okay, Jack, we just jumped to conclusions." Daniel shrugged and concentrated on his own meal. "And we know you're busy, we don't expect you to have time to hang around like you used to."

"You mean you actually miss me?" Jack arched a disbelieving eyebrow. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

"Say what?" Another shadow was cast over the table and the members of SG-1 plus their commanding officer looked up to find the President standing next to them. "Is there room at the table for one more? I'm sure the conversation over here is a lot less.. boring.. than the one over there."

Teal'c stood and motioned for the President to take his seat as he moved to get another. "You are welcome to join us."

"Thank you, Teal'c." President Hayes grinned and sat down, raising an eyebrow at the array of meals on the table. "Jello, General? That's all you're having?"

Sam rolled her eyes at the expression on Jack's face and Teal'c sat back in amusement. Daniel snorted and spoke around a mouthful of food. "It's tradition," he explained to the President. "Sam and Janet used to try and make him eat something else but they gave up. Right about the time the great blue jello versus red jello debate began."

"Blue jello?" President Hayes repeated. "I haven't seen any blue jello around here.."

"You have to get here really quick to grab a bowl before the masses," Sam advised with a small smile. "That's because it's the superior flavour and much more popular than the red stuff."

"Uh-uh, it's because it's not so popular so they don't make as much of it," Jack corrected her argumentatively. "And I don't know why you're complaining, Michaels always keeps a bowl behind the counter for you."

The President's chuckle served as a reminder to his presence. He shook his head and motioned to the four of them. "You weren't exaggerating when you said you're more than just teammates. That's good to see." He stared at them with a smile on his face – and a curious look in his eyes. "So how do you do it?"

"How do we do what, Sir?" Sam asked, being the only one who hadn't conveniently taken a mouthful of food during while the President had been speaking.

"How do you maintain your relationships in such tense situations?" President Hayes expanded on his question and caught her eye. "How do you manage your friendships with each other and your relationships outside of the base without letting your jobs consume all of your time?"

Teal'c and Daniel both darted looks at Sam, looks Jack didn't understand and neither did the President. "Did I say something I shouldn't have done?" President Hayes asked quietly.

"No, Sir, you didn't." It was Sam who answered, after deliberating for a long moment as she sipped her cup of coffee. "It's just that we're not exactly good at maintaining relationships outside of the friendships we have here at the SGC. My relationship with my fiancé recently came to an end. It isn't easy trying to find a balance between our jobs and spending time with people who don't understand why we do what we do for a living."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Colonel." President Hayes' apology was sincere.

"Me, too," Jack chimed in after the initial wave of surprise passed. He looked at her questioningly. "Why didn't you say anything..?"

Sam shrugged and looked down at her plate of macaroni, suddenly realising her appetite was gone. "There was never an appropriate time, Sir."

And the look she gave him spoke volumes. The time still wasn't appropriate – and possibly never would be.

"It's another one of the sacrifices we're prepared to make," Daniel started speaking in an attempt at diverting the President's attention from his friends. "Relationships take a lot of time, commitment.. You can't keep secrets from the person you go home to and since a lot of what we do here is classified, we can't exactly go home and talk about our day over the dinner table. Besides, the things we've been through are pretty unbelievable when you think about it. Even if we could tell people what we've been through, it's unlikely they'd understand it."

"It's unlikely that anyone outside of the SGC will ever fully understand your situation," President Hayes mused. "Does that mean you're not planning on having relationships? Any of you?"

"I do not believe that is necessary." Teal'c looked thoughtful. "Daniel Jackson is involved with Sarah Gardner who is in a unique position to understand the situation. I myself am involved with Ishta and she understands what my duty demands of me."

Jack cleared his throat and let his fork land in the glass bowl with a clatter. "I think it's time we got back to the briefing room. You're due to return to Washington this evening, Sir."

President Hayes gave him a nod and a smile, making a mental note that his question had gone unanswered by half of the former members of SG-1. "That's a good idea, General. Colonel Carter, if at any point you wish to stop discussing the missions you've undergone in the past, please feel free to say so. You are under no obligation to humour me at the cost of your own comfort."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you." Sam acknowledged his words with a smile and got to her feet when he and Jack did. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, feeling more and more like she was going to face a firing squad than the President and a few questions.

* * *

When everyone was sitting in the briefing room again, in exactly the same seats as before, President Hayes turned to Sam and smiled at her. "You know what's coming by now, Colonel. The first mission I'd like to touch on is one of those you were tempted to resign after. Thankfully you changed your mind but it would have been entirely understandable were you to leave."

Kerry watched in fascination as the blond Colonel appeared to listen intently to every word the President said, even as she fidgeted with the pen on the table. It was because she was watching that she noticed the slight movement from the Colonel's left and realised Jack must have nudged her or something, alerting Colonel Carter to her fidgeting.

"You were taken over by a Tok'ra symbiote," President Hayes continued and Kerry noticed that although Sam looked as though she'd expected it, Jack tensed beside her. "It must have been a horrific experience for you and I'm not surprised you thought about leaving."

"It wasn't an experience I would have chosen to have but the benefits far outweigh the negative effects." Sam somehow kept her tone even, her voice failing to reflect the horror she still sometimes felt at night when she relived the experience in her dreams.

* * *

She was aware of pacing, aware of the frustration her body was feeling. She walked into the gateroom, her head moving rapidly from side to side. Looking for something.

Searching for someone.

"Where's Colonel O'Neill?" She demanded from Daniel and Teal'c, who stood staring at her strangely from the bottom of the ramp.

The Stargate wasn't engaged. She noticed that. That was important. For some reason it was important.

Colonel O'Neill walked in. He wasn't dressed for a mission. Sam stared at him through eyes she wasn't narrowing but that were somehow narrowed and wondered what was going on. "Stand down campers, we're on hold."

"Why?" The snappy demand didn't come from her. But it did.

"I don't know, some computer glitch." He approached her, moving quickly, and out of the corner of her eye she saw him move.

Then she felt a dull pain in her arm and remembered what was happening.

Remembered who she was. Or rather who she wasn't. "What the hell was that?" She watched as he backed off, as he let the arm holding the syringe drop to his side and stared up at the control room where Doctor Fraiser had joined General Hammond. Her voice changed, the parasite inside her took complete control. But she was still there. Somehow. She could still hear and see the scene play out but she was powerless to do anything to stop it. "Open the Stargate."

She hated that. The powerlessness. Not being able to do anything but watch as she threatened her friends – as the thing inside her threatened them.

Daniel looked startled at the change in her voice. He darted a glance at Jack, his expression horrified. "Jack, what the hell is going on?"

"Open the 'gate now!" Her mouth moved and the words continued to come out. "I command you!"  
  
Someone, one of the SF's, shot at her and she felt another tranquilliser dart embed itself in her skin. Her hand ripped it out in anger even as she hoped that was it. That it would end. That the darkness would come and she would wake up to find it was all just a nightmare.

All just a really bad dream.

The Colonel approached her again but she fought back. She hit him, sent him flying. Inwardly she cringed, not only because it wasn't a good move career wise but because he was her friend. Because she was hurting them all.

And she couldn't stop it. She couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

"Open the 'gate now," she demanded. She sensed her hand move and cried out inside her head, screaming at the parasite in control as she ripped the pin out of a grenade with one hand. "Or we will all die!"

"Hold your fire!" The Colonel shouted at the SF's who were getting closer. God, she felt suffocated. She needed air, needed space. There were so many people and a voice in her head that didn't belong to her. Desperation she shared with that voice but for different reasons entirely. "Teal'c." One of the SF's responded to the Colonel's order with words part of her wanted to hear. "I have a shot, sir." 

'Take the shot,' she prayed silently. 'Please just kill me.'

"And if she drops that grenade, what?" The Colonel sounded angry – and maybe scared? It was so surreal to be watching him, to be watching them all and know that she was the focus of their attention even though she was doing nothing to warrant it. "Nobody's going open that Stargate. We're all going live, or we're all going die, right here." 

'He means it,' Sam thought to herself. She concentrated all of her energy into that thought, fighting the blurriness at the edge of her mind.

"Let me go!" The panic, the desperation. It sounded like her but it wasn't. She was starting to drift, starting to feel pleasantly numb. "I must go!"

"Not gonna happen." Those three words, the determination in them.. That was the last thing Sam heard.

Then it all went black and the voice in her head fell mercifully silent as she slipped into the darkness, praying that when she woke up, if she woke up, she'd wake up alone.

* * *

Sam took a deep breath and unclenched her hands; pleased she'd moved them to her lap beneath the table where only General O'Neill could see them. "Jolinar wasn't a bad person, she was just under extreme stress. Her life was in danger and she wanted to get home. If she hadn't chosen me, if we hadn't been blended, we never would have learnt about the Tok'ra and I think you'll agree with me that that's worthwhile. Not always," she added on hearing the soft snort from her left. "But they are good allies, and personally speaking they did help save my father. In my eyes that more than makes up for what I went through."

The look President Hayes gave Sam was one of admiration, and one of concern. "I understand that you don't see as much of your father as you would like since he joined the Tok'ra."

"If he hadn't joined them, I wouldn't be able to see him at all," Sam returned immediately. "He would have died six years ago. I might not get to see him as much as I'd like to but at least he's alive. I know that his life is constantly in danger with the missions he goes on but it's no different than mine being constantly in danger through my work at the SGC. He's doing what he has to do and when we get to see each other it's an added bonus."

"You mentioned that your lives are both at risk," President Hayes' expression was grim as he stared at the report in front of him. "The picture I've put together from the reports and records of the last eight years isn't one I'm happy with, I have to say. As I mentioned earlier, you've all been through some God-awful things but the amount of times you've been hurt or even killed is astounding. In your time here, you've been stabbed in the stomach whilst under the influence of an alien virus, you've been killed and revived, taken over by a Tok'ra, kidnapped, visited by an alien that cast doubt over your mental stability, taken over by an alien entity that transferred your consciousness into the SGC mainframe and that's just for starters." He stared at her, his bewilderment showing on his face. "Why do you put yourself through it?"

Sam gave him a self-depreciating smile, failing to notice the pallor of the man sitting beside her. "Like Daniel and Teal'c have already said, the bad points are necessary for getting to the end goal. And a lot of the things you mentioned there didn't just happen to me. Teal'c left his family to help fight this war, his own people branded him a traitor. Daniel died and ascended then went through the trauma of coming back. General O'Neill was tortured by the Goa'uld for information he didn't have and he was also a Jaffa for a short time and a Goa'uld for an even shorter time. What we've been through, though, is worth it because of the good things we get out of being here."

"Good things," President Hayes repeated thoughtfully. "What would you class as being the things that make it worthwhile?"

"Well.." Sam shrugged her shoulders and focused on the President, forgetting momentarily that they weren't alone. "Our friendships for one. Eight, nearly nine years ago I didn't know these people. Now I can't imagine my life without them in it. My father would have died. Teal'c's son would have been raised to serve a false God. No career Daniel could have could ever rival this one in terms of archaeology and discovery. I've seen and done things I never imagined would be possible, I've had the chance to test theories some people still believe belong in science fiction instead of science text books.. You can't just think about the negative experiences being here has given us all because they don't give a fair picture. If it was really as bad as it sounds from reading those reports, none of us would be here."

"I hear you say that and right here and now, I believe you're telling me the truth. But when I read this, when I get your reports after each and every mission.." President Hayes motioned to the document on the table and shrugged helplessly. "It's hard to believe that someone can withstand the things you've gone through and still come out smiling on the other end. It wouldn't be so bad if everything you've been through was caused by aliens but knowing that some of it was caused by human beings.. It makes you lose a little faith in mankind. If I were you.. I don't know if I could be so generous in still wanting to fight to save those people."

* * *

She fought against the restraints but nothing she did loosened them. Nothing she did meant she could break free. She stopped when the door to the sterile room opened the two doctors who'd been visiting her throughout her ordeal entered.

She eyed them warily. One of them was pushing a cart laden with equipment.

Sam didn't like the look of that. "What's happening? What are you doing?" She watched as one of the doctors readied a syringe and started struggling even more against the restraints keeping her down. "You're going to kill me."

The doctor barely looked at her. She wasn't a person to him, she was a subject. A lab rat. She wasn't a human being with family and friends and feelings of her own.

"We could be saving millions of lives," he told her, taking another step closer.

The pounding in her chest intensified and at first she thought the loud bang was her heart exploding in her chest.

It wasn't. The voice that followed it reassured her of that.

"Hold it! Drop it! Drop it! Right now!" Colonel O'Neill and Colonel Harry Maybourne burst into the room, the former holding and aiming a gun at the doctor approaching her. Sam didn't think she'd ever been so pleased to see anyone in her life. "Don't even fool around!"

Maybourne motioned to the two doctors but Sam barely noticed. She could feel herself trembling and willed it to stop, fighting to regain her composure in front of her CO and friend. And Maybourne. "Come over here."

The two doctors moved over to the wall Maybourne gestured to. Sam watched them out of the corner of her eye even as Colonel O'Neill approached her, the concern on his face clear to see.

He walked over to the gurney and stared down at her, his hand moving to rest briefly on her leg. "You all right?"  
  
She nodded twice, trying to catch her breath. "Yeah." She let her eyes rise to meet his and somehow managed a small smile. "Very dramatic, thank you."  
  
A quick grin flashed across his face, conveying his relief. "You bet."  
  
Sam tugged at the restraints keeping her still tied down and motioned to one of the doctors with her head. "The keys for the cuffs are in his pocket."

As she watched, Maybourne got the keys from the man she'd indicated and for a split second she wondered what he was going to do with them. Then he tossed them casually to the Colonel and Sam had to bite down on her bottom lip to keep back a sigh of relief as she was finally free.

"Daniel," Jack spoke into his radio, his gaze still lingering on her. She knew he was waiting for her to show signs of fatigue but she refused to let those feelings show. She refused to let him see her as being anything other than fine. "Daniel, we got Carter. She's okay."

She was okay; she kept telling herself she was. A little shaken, maybe a little traumatised. But she was okay. She was alive.

She'd cheated death again.

* * *

"They're not all bad," Sam replied after a small pause. "I don't know about anyone else but I know I don't think about them when I'm up against the Goa'uld or whatever it is we're facing. I think about my family, my brother and his kids. And I think about Cassandra and my friends and I tell myself I'm doing what I can to stop them from becoming slaves or being tortured for fun or even killed. That's enough for me."

"What about yourself?" President Hayes leaned forward, his elbows resting against the report on the table. "We talked at lunch about how your work here means you don't have time for a personal life. Doesn't that bother you?"

Sam lifted on shoulder in a casual shrug, keeping her gaze fixed on the President so she couldn't see the expressions on the faces of her friends. "It used to bother me but I know it wouldn't be fair on anyone else to have a relationship when I can't commit to it as much as I should. The SGC isn't everything, though, and I know that. I know there are other things I want from my life and someday I'll end up saying goodbye to this place so I can pursue those other options. But right now I'm happy here. In a year, maybe two years, who knows? But right now I know that what I do here is important, it makes a difference even if it's just a small one and that's enough for me."

President Hayes stared at her for several long moments and Sam wondered if she'd said something wrong. Then he leaned back in his chair, a slow grin spreading across his face as he nodded slowly. "Thank you, Colonel. You've helped explain a lot to me." He looked to Daniel and Teal'c and gave them both nods of thanks. "As have you. Thank you all for your time, and for your patience. Now I don't want to take up any more of your time when I'm sure you have far more important things to do than talk to an old man like me. General?" The President addressed Jack with a small smile. "SG-1 can be excused but I would like to talk to you for a few minutes in your office if you don't mind?"

Jack nodded, looking every bit as relieved as his former team that the briefing was over. "SG-1, you are dismissed." He and the President stood, as did the others at the table. He watched as SG-1 slowly ambled out of the briefing room, meeting up with General Hammond and Major Davis on the way out and pausing to make brief conversation. "After you, Mr. President."

He motioned for the President to precede him into his office and followed at a slightly slower pace, wondering what the President had to say to him.

* * *

The President helped himself to the comfortable seat behind the desk, leaving Jack to sit where he was used to making everyone else sit. "So, General, what did you think of this morning's briefing?"

"It was as I expected, Sir." Jack forced the urge to shrug and purposely sat up straighter in his chair. "I told you they'd have good reasons for being here."

"What about Colonel Carter's comment that they won't be here forever?" President Hayes watched him intently, waiting for the slightest of changes in his expression. "Do you believe she'll leave? That maybe Doctor Jackson and Teal'c will follow suit?"

Jack shrugged, ignoring the strangely heavy sensation in the pit of his stomach as he considered it - really considered it. "You can't expect us to stay here forever," he replied eventually, choosing his words carefully. "I mean, can you really see us using Zimmer frames to go through the gate? It wouldn't be fair expecting anyone, whether it's SG-1 or not, to stick around for that long. They deserve to have lives. They deserve the chance to experience the kind of life they're fighting to let everyone else have."

"And you would be included in that, Jack." President Hayes reminded him softly. "You deserve that chance, too."

"I had that life once." He tried to make his tone flippant but the attempt fell flat. "It's complicated, Sir," he added on seeing the President raise an eyebrow. "Very complicated."

"I think I understand." The knowing smile on the President's face seemed to suggest he did. "Well, Jack, I suppose I should be going. Thank you for making time for me in your busy schedule." He looked pointedly at the piles of files, folders and pieces of paper not so neatly arranged on the desk in front of him. "I just want you to know one thing."

Jack got to his feet in time with the President, standing almost to attention as President Hayes walked by him and towards the door. "What would that be, Sir?"

"All three members of SG-1, and yourself, would be sorely missed but I think you've all given up enough." President Hayes met his gaze, his expression solemn. "If any of you felt the need to focus on something other than your jobs that would be perfectly understandable." He raised his hand in a salute, grinning when Jack returned the gesture. "I believe we can find our own way out, General Hammond and Major Davis have been here plenty of times before."

Jack watched the President leave and shut the door behind him, walking slowly around to the other side of the desk where he sunk down into his chair and thought about everything that had been said.

Everything that had been remembered.

He was still lost deep in thought ten minutes later when there was a tentative knock on his door, followed by a slightly louder, less patient knock and the door opened without him calling out permission.

He lifted his head to glare at the intruder, only to shift uncomfortably in his chair when he saw who it was.

Kerry.

His one-time date. The woman he'd gone out with in an attempt at putting someone else behind him.

He'd said he was going to call her and he hadn't. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he'd forgotten. He'd forgotten all about her the moment SG-1 had greeted him on his return to the SGC and Carter had started talking excitedly about something she'd discovered.

He couldn't even remember what. He just remembered the light in her eyes, the joy in her animated gestures and realised it'd been too long since he'd been included in such an energetic discussion with his former teammates.

The woman gave him a small smile and entered the office as he stood, closing the door securely behind her. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but I just want a few minutes of your time, Jack."

Jack walked around to the front of the desk, leaning on it awkwardly as he stared at her. She was attractive for sure, smart, had a great sense of humour but she wasn't.. She wasn't who he needed her to be. "If this is about me not calling.."

"No. It isn't." Kerry shrugged and smiled lopsidedly. She glanced around the office, clasping her hands in front of herself as she shuffled uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Not really. I think I understand now."

"Understand what?" The look of surprise on his face was one he couldn't control.

"I noticed the way you reacted to everything the President said." She answered quickly and quietly, darting a brief glance at him before letting her gaze wander around the office once again, eventually settling for lowering them on the floor. "I saw how remembering everything they've been through, everything Colonel Carter's been through, affected you. It was like you were losing her, losing them all over again and you've got that same look in yours eyes now. So be honest with me, Jack, you're not going to call me, are you?" She forced herself to raise her head and stared at him, only to find he couldn't quite hold her gaze and glanced away. Kerry nodded, mostly to herself, waiting for the pang of regret, surprised when it wasn't as big as she'd expected it to be. "I didn't think so."

"I'm sorry, Kerry." Jack pushed himself to his feet and apologised, the regret in his voice sincere. "I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.."

"You didn't." She managed to flash him a brief smile and shrugged. "But listening to them talk today, it made it clear that there isn't room for anyone else in your life. Not yet, maybe not ever. They're good friends, Jack, you're lucky to have them." The smile on her face grew stronger, more confident, as she leaned up and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek, taking two small steps back towards the door before he could react. "And they're lucky to have you. Take care of yourself."

Jack nodded at her and resumed his position of leaning against the desk. "You, too."

She cast him another smile and waved as she left the office, leaving him alone with his thoughts. She walked through the briefing room and into the maze of corridors, stopping and staring both ways, trying to remember which direction she needed to go in.

"Ms. Johnson?" At the sound of her name, Kerry turned and saw Major Paul Davis walking towards from one of the directions she'd been contemplating. He smiled at her and she found herself returning the gesture, relieved at finding a familiar face. "I thought I'd wait for you. I remember getting lost every time I came to the SGC for the first couple of months."

"I have to admit I was wondering which way I had to go," Kerry confessed with another smile. "I'm very glad to see you, Major."

Major Davis flashed her another grin and took her arm, motioning for them to go back the way from which he'd appeared. "The elevators are this way," he told her warmly. "And it's Paul. You don't need to call me by my rank."

Kerry let him lead her away, confident he was taking her in the right direction. "Well in that case, it's Kerry, Paul. Ms. Johnson reminds me of my spinster aunt."

By the time they reached the car that was waiting for her, they'd exchanged telephone numbers and promised to meet for drinks when they were both back at home in Washington DC.

Kerry smiled as her car pulled away and started for the airport, confident that at least one of the Air Force officers she'd met in Colorado Springs would be calling her just as he'd promised.

* * *

It was a few days later when Sam got the summons to General O'Neill's office. She tried wracking her brains on her way to the office for a reason he'd want to see her but had come up with nothing by the time she reached the closed door.

She took a deep breath before knocking on the door, waiting for a few seconds before opening it and stepping inside. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Jack was sitting behind his desk, staring at a report on his desk with an expression that was more than a little familiar to her. She remembered being the cause of it more than once when trying – repeatedly – to explain the theory behind forming wormholes. "Yeah, Carter." He looked up, a look of relief crossing over his face as he waved her in, clearly putting the report out of his mind. "Come on in."

As she shut the door behind her, Sam noticed a new addition to the collection of personal items on the shelf next to the door. "That's new."

She looked at him just in time to see a bashful grin appeared on his face. "Yeah.. I always thought something was missing but couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks," he added sheepishly. "I probably wouldn't have thought about it if you hadn't mentioned it."

"You're welcome." She turned to face him and waited for him to speak. He didn't. As she watched, he moved around the desk and leaned against it, looking at her as though he wanted to say something but couldn't quite figure out what. Deciding to take the initiative, Sam turned slightly and picked up the picture that had caught her eye. "Do you miss it?"

"Miss what?" He watched her as she stared at the picture, purposely playing dumb like he had so many times in the past.

"Being part of SG-1?" She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, carefully returning the picture back to its original place before turning to face him. "I know you're kept pretty busy here but do you miss being out in the field?"

"No." Jack shrugged casually but continued quickly when he caught the look of surprise and slight hurt that showed briefly in her expression. "I don't miss being out in the field. I miss SG-1, I miss spending time with you guys."

Sam crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the door, studying his expression curiously. "You don't have to miss us, Sir. We're still here. There are other ways we can spend time together, maybe outside of work.. If we're going to try and get lives, we might as well try together."

There was a small silence as Jack contemplated her words. A slow grin spread across his face and he pointed a finger at her thoughtfully. "That's not such a bad idea, Carter. This weekend. SG-1 are on downtime. How about a BBQ at my place? Say, 1100 hours?"

"That's a good idea, Sir." Her shoulders relaxed and the smile that crossed over her face was genuine. "I'll let the others know, and I'll be there early. I'll bring the beer, too."

"Excellent. But the good stuff, Carter," he added warningly. "Bring the good stuff. Not the watered-down crap Daniel drinks."

A small chuckle escaped her and Sam nodded, turning towards the door. "Yes, Sir."

"Carter?" The sound of his voice stopped her and Sam turned back to face him. "Thanks."

Her hand relaxed on the door hand and she threw him a quizzical glance. "For what?"

"For still being.. you. For not letting this.." He gestured to the office, to the uniform he was wearing. "Get in the way of it."

"You're welcome." She smiled warmly and turned to leave again, hesitating with her hand hovering over the door handle. "For what it's worth, Sir?"

"Yeah?" Jack got to his feet, pausing in walking back behind his desk.

"I.. We missed you too," the words came out in a rush and he could almost see the blush rising in her cheeks even though she had her back to him. "It'll be good to have you back."

Sam opened the door then, slipping out of the office quickly and closing the door securely behind her. Jack slowly retook his seat behind his desk and glanced briefly at the report he'd been reading. It couldn't hold his attention, though, and he found his gaze wandering back to the photograph on his shelf. The one of SG-1 and their new CO.

End of story.


End file.
